Let’s talk about sex. I mean let us really talk about it!
Recent media attention on sexual harassment and sexual misconduct and the #MeToo movement has brought a variety of issues to the forefront. Slowly, it becomes clear that we might be discussing behaviours falling on a spectrum that vary from levels of misunderstanding and miscommunication to serious misconduct, sexual harassment and sexual assault. Clear cases are reported incidences of abuse of authority and abuse of power.
I would like to discuss the murky side of miscommunication, misunderstanding and a mismatch of expectations and a level of dishonesty not directly with ill intent, but resulting in a lack of satisfaction and hurt feelings. Although people misunderstand each other continuously and chronically, not always are these incidences ground for deeply hurt feelings of embarrassment, humiliation, failure, guilt and shame.
Logically, one would think that when becoming intimately involved with another person, it is crucial to have good communication and clarity, but alas…it seems that getting naked with each other is easier than talking about sex.
I am referring to sex between consenting adults. I am not talking about affairs as these are non-consensual as at least one person affected by them is lied to.
I am talking about sex between people who want to give and receive pleasure. People who respect each other and are honest with each other. People who like to have sex because it makes them feel good. People who have sex because they can express love to each other. People who have sex because they enjoy the closeness.
The comments listed below are those I hear often. I have categorized them where I think they belong.
Lack of communication
I never know whether she likes what I do.
How do I know I do it right and the way he likes it?
It hurts me, but that’s probably me.
I am always hoping for great sex, but it is nearly always disappointing.
I feel forced into doing stuff, I am uncomfortable with.
A level of dishonesty
I pretend to like watching porn, but it turns me off.
I make sure it is short and pretend to like it as I do not want him to feel inadequate.
It is easier to pretend to sleep, so I do not have to explain…
I fake my orgasms.
Is it a transaction or a mismatch of expectations?
Sex is not good, not bad, sometimes it is OK, but often, I just let her have it, as it is give and take.
If I do not give it, he might go somewhere else
Well, if I let him wait, he does nice things for me.
I am hoping we will get into a relationship. Therefore, I never say no.
Physical intimacy is an important part of your relationship. Counsellors specialised in working in this field can help.
I encourage you all to talk openly and honestly about expectations, fears, desires, wishes and fantasies before, during and after…